Good things come to those who waits. Case in point, being impatient has led to a decision of which I am now sandwiched and whatever choice I make – Someone’s heart will break. It is just a matter of one or two hearts. And it’s not I’m keeping score or anything like that, insecurities combined with bullheadedness equal dumb moves. 
Once again, let this be right.
I am delighted to have you in my life, however brief this encounter would be. If I don’t tell you now, when will I right?
I am feeling rather emotional these days, not knowing where all these emotions are coming from is seriously boggling my mind. Please don’t make silly decisions or any mistakes that will cost you more than you can handle.
For now, just go with the flow and remember where you stand. Even if you’re so many miles away from home; even if you’ve not seen the beach for the longest time; even if you’ve not felt that tingling rush that makes your heart skip many beats just for a glimmer of love; even if life sucks to the point you have no real friends around you to tell you what to do; even if everyone you think that is or was close to you are now leaving you behind; even if the grass is greener on the other side – Sharron. Don’t do it.
that’s how long I’ve lived.
and with the thousands I’ve met, people coming and going – how many actually made an impression and touched my life? Suppose there’s someone out there I didn’t meet, would it have made any difference?
Most days I procrastinate and just believed that what I’m doing is never good enough. Here I am today, and I will list down 25 things I am happy and grateful about – in hopes that this will serve as a reminder to myself that I am happy with what I have despite the roller coaster that I think I’m living in.
1. I have a job I happen to like.
2. I happen to be good at my job which makes it easier for those lull or even bad days.
3. I am earning some money which I saved up for rainy days.
4. I make it a point to communicate with people and solve problems the right way, face to face.
5. I still have friends who mattered in my life whom also think I mattered in theirs.
6. My immediate family are still living and breathing.
7. I have perfect eyesight and in no need of corrective glasses.
8. I am still flexible enough and healthy enough to do yoga and run and jog and exercise.
9. Places I I have been to outside of Malaysia – brunei, bangkok, sydney and japan and I hope this list will grow longer.
10.Places I have been to inside Malaysia – Sabah, Sarawak, Perak, Selangor, Wilayah P KL and Labuan, Johor and Malacca and also that this list will grow longer.
11. I own a malaysian made proton saga which I bought with my own money that I earned.
12. I have a boyfriend whom I hope will keep his fidelity.
13. I have achieved 800 flying hours in total and still alive and kicking.
14. I still make it a point to go to church every week and I am trying to be a better Christian rather than the labeled born christian who knows nothing about jesus.
15. I have a scuba license and diving is actually fun.
16. Oh and I have flying license, which is equally as fun if not more.
17. I am still capable of feeling emotions – of anger and sadness and of fear and I am thankful for that.
18. I have to learned to move on with my life, even though flashes of past does happen I try to get over them and not brood over it.
19. I have tried bungy jumping and I hope I can try other fun and extreme things.
20. I have tried eating a live sago worm and chewed it’s juice out and then couldn’t stand it and spit it out after 5 minutes.
21. I keep a blog which means I am running out of things to say. ;P
22. I own a digital camera which I take good photos with, in hopes to upgrade myself to a better camera because I love taking photos to capture moments.
23.I have really small eyes which actually has a benefit of not getting wrinkles like those wide eyed dolls.
24. My height is actually fine by me, I get favors and people actually notice me. The irony yeah.
25. And I have lived so long surviving the working world and going through breakups and here I am, at twenty-five.
Thank you for supporting me – God, family, boyfriend, colleague, students and housemates. You deserve a big hand for keeping my head sane.
Synapses of thoughts hurting me aren’t going to go away if I don’t think about it. I need an expert opinion on this – will suppressing ill-thoughts and feelings make them go away sooner or saying it out and releasing it and feel the sting and numbness helps the healing sooner?
Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this, of love? or compassion? does being materialistic make a person less vulnerable to hurt of waiting on the other line? so many questions that I have no answers to.
With these and all things that makes no sense as to why I did it in the first place; I still have some which I am thankful for (in no particular order):
To have a New Job in this market that is going dry and bottle-necked.
To have God answering several of my prayers
To brave myself to face my nasty employers who owes me money & TIME, and to hand in my resignation.
To have traveled alone and not be eaten alive by hungry wolfs for the first time.
To have known the awful truth about Apple & family at this time and not later.
To have made peace with someone who resented me for not helping him in covering his own shit, I feel better; even if he didn’t.
To know that everyone is for themselves and I should always count on myself no matter what.
To reserve my heart for myself, because ultimately no one cares about me but me.
That’s it for now. And yeah, I’m moving to Malaca for 2 years. 
It’s been months. I am moving on. From work. From Bintulu. From home. From relationships. From everything that is familiar & dust gathering boxes of memories.
Trust.
Love.
It was never a habit of mine to bring god into my life when faced with challenges. Please, I am asking sincerely – can I learn to trust again despite my very much broken heart?
What I meant to say is also once it is lost, can it be found again? I truly believed in the power of prayer when I chose to hand in a letter for leave without pay. I could smell deliberate foul play miles away; when my dad told me to say a prayer before handing it; I vividly remembered having put a prayer book in my clutch but alas it was not there. My hands were clammy and shivering like a person with Parkinson’s, lips dry and constant urge to go to the loo even though, you know.
I had to do improvise with what little knowledge I have in prayer of such, trying to say the lord’s prayer as sincerely as I can.
And it worked.
Please let it work again. For trust. For love.
Somewhere between heartaches and waiting, comes the chance to be found by someone who can show you that you don’t have to be just an option.
I mean it when I said I’d rather be hurt by the truth and move on than to live in a lie and to find out about it later in life and be hurt twice, that’s double the pain that I would be suffering.
And the truth is, I want to be happy most of the time, with the occasional arguments. Not be upset and insecure most of the time, with the occasional fake happiness that pretends to replace the swollen eyes. Why bother staying together if it meant that some day you’re gonna leave?
I have allowed myself to love what I love; and not have some nut idea about a perfect person to love. I choose to love and be hurt because I know somehow I will survive this, however hurtful it has been. I swear it was worse than hell.
Still sticking to honesty.
I don’t know whether I’m more upset to know the truth or not knowing.
I find Rihanna’s love the way you lie and what’s my name inherently irritating to the ears. Why would anyone want to be lied to? I mean, I’d rather to have love and hurt than to be the only fool who doesn’t know the truth. I don’t want people to call me cute or pretty either. I used to want to be called beautiful, no one has ever done that. No one.
Short is fine with me. This is just a random rant because my emotions are garbled I cannot hear my thought to even string anything that makes sense. I’d rather hurt, I’d rather be numbed. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I’m jotting this down to let go. How I wish I can just sift my thoughts – to know the truth and accept it and move on.
I have my whole life ahead of me, if I deem you unimportant in my life to give a shit; I will leave. I want to move on to better prospects, to a life where people actually love me for who I am. I want to be the number one person in someone’s life. I want to matter and make something out of myself, and out of this life of mine. To make changes, to look back and not regret. For someone to look at me every time and still have that smile like they first fell in love with me. Love is not an emotion or a forced action, it’s how you know what lies in their deepest recesses and when it all comes down to it only you and I share that elysian.
Nothing is set in stones. Love is not a moving emotion, it’s a conscious effort to keep the sparks alive.
p/s: Dear God, please send me someone who would love me as I would him too.
In the end we are always left with the same painful emptiness which we were led to believe we could fill. The older we get, the more funerals we will attend. Who is to say today is not my last?
The call I received during the holidays sent me into a daze. I can almost imagine the ambulance siren, the white hospital sheets and the still, unconscious form of the person who crossed my path, who almost lost his life. And then I was updated that he was in a stable condition and recovering from a 70% burn; I felt relieved.
When we talk about the kind of feelings I have for this man, most of us would clearly and emphatically specify that it be unconditional and unbiased. I knew him for a very short period of time, but somehow in knowing him and finding out that he has left this world today broke a part of my heart.
To you, the man who passed my flight test as a qualified flight instructor; who earned my respect by being a respectable officer who gave me a task to fulfill after telling me I passed and telling me I still have room for improvement; who was impressed with the performance of the dynamic duo; whom I still owe the task of explaining propeller theory – I bid you farewell.
May the heavens and God love you as much as we appreciate and cherish the moments that you have given us, however brief.
♥ petite-pilot is sharron™ mischievous. clumsy klutz. bubbly. Musically impaired. travel-sized. cookie monster. constant babble which makes no sense to others but makes perfect sense in her head. Dubbed as Cinderella (valid in kk only) because I have to get home before 12 midnight or risk losing my pumpkin. 
